MotherCop

I recall reading a short story back in Junior high school titled, “Waiting for Love.” I thought it was the unhappiest story ever. It spoke of a beautiful, poor young woman from a small town that met the man of her dreams. He did everything right—including asking for her hand in marriage. On their wedding day, she and the entire town were overjoyed as they waited in the church for the groom.

“He’s just running a little late” she affirmed to her guests every time the whispers got louder.

Mr. James from down the street busted through the church door—out of breath, “Duh airport, I saw yuh man—headin’ toward duh airport—in his green pickup truck—with a beautiful young gal.”

They all gasped in disbelief and one by one—began to leave the church, leaving the woman standing at the altar in her hideous wedding dress as she began to sob.

The story concluded… “From that day on, the woman—still able to fit her into her atrocious wedding dress, became a customary sight while driving along the airport road—pacing back and forth, waiting for her love to return.”

End…

The lady in the story was not a Mom yet, but her fate with love was unquestionably tragic—similar to that of a percentage of single parents. No longer can we brand single Mothers and conclude that only they are subjected to horrible dating experiences—it’s 2022, and single fathers are finding themselves stumbling down the same unfortunate path when it comes to finding love.

I spoke to a few single Dad’s who confirmed that “seeking a genuine relationship to engage, is as rigorous as finding a needle in a haystack.” Our naked conversation revealed that this is due to many contributing factors.

DATING SITES

Innumerable stories and ads depicting finding the love of a lifetime is enough to persuade any person into believing that online dating sites actually work. Don’t get me wrong, a study shows that at least 60% of those that do give it a try, do turn out lucky in finding their true match.

Single parents to special needs dependents find it ten times as hard to engage in socializing with their peers or dating—and there are many factors that contribute to this. We all experience different challenges while caring for our loved ones that make us peak. And the reflex from peaking can be anything.

Let us reflect on one of my blog posts “Poop Smearing.” My son and I were on our way out to spend time with some family, and the entire night was canceled due to my son’s first Poop Smearing episode. That was my limit. I never experienced it before but I no longer wanted anyone in my space. I know it may sound selfish, but some people deal with situations differently. Yes—they were family, but I prefer them not to see my home, my son, or myself in a state that they would not comprehend if exposed. I was not in the mood to be judged because of my son’s condition which he did not ask for.

I wanted my home clean and to privately speak with my son, assuring him that accidents happen and smearing is not something that he should want to do again. He needed me. No, he may have not responded to indicate comprehension, but I’m sure he understood.

Fast forward: I decided to signup for a dating site, and after completing my profile, sure enough, I started receiving messages from men from all over the world. Of course, not all were genuine—but I can honestly say that I stand in my own way, sometimes accidentally, most times intentionally.  I’ve turned down countless dates simply because my son was sick, he was in the middle of a meltdown with no reasoning in site and there was no one to say “Hey, go and enjoy yourself—you deserve it!”

LACK OF SUPPORT

A lack of support is one of the main reasons for single parents losing touch with their social and love life, and as a result, can have a negative lasting effect on the parent.

My daily routine begins anywhere between 3am and 5am. I rarely get an opportunity to attend work outings and family gatherings or much-needed personal time to let my hair down, to say the least. I had a babysitter that sat for me from time to time from the day that my son was born, but one day, after Pharo had attacked her a few too many times, she spoke to me and respectfully said that she can no longer sit. It was too much for her—and I respected her decision. Fear of another sitter not being able to endure my son’s behavior plagued my conscience and prevented me from even attempting to get another babysitter.

I met a man that initiated our first online conversation with “I notice that you post Autism content on your page, my nephew is Autistic and I help my sister out with him…” That was more than enough to capture my attention. Of course, we eventually exchanged numbers and got to know each other a bit more.

We met up at a few public parks and he was really good with my son. It didn’t go too far simply because I punked out due to not being able to satisfy the bare minimum of random one-on-one date nights. Also, my thoughts kept telling me that assisting with his high-functioning nephew from time to time, is far different than dating a woman with a child with low-functioning Autism.

I basically felt like if we had pursued a relationship, he would eventually throw in the towel—not that he’s ever given me any indication whatsoever that he’d do such a thing but you know that saying “only you can get into your own way of obtaining what you really want?” I rather not get my son used to seeing someone around as opposed to having to endure his extreme behavior challenges as a result of him not understanding why the person isn’t around anymore.

If you are a parent to someone with special needs, I’d love to hear from you as to how you embraced or even concurred the dating phase.  Any pointers?